


disorganized religion of my head

by angelblur



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Catholic school AU, Hospitals, M/M, Parental Abuse, Religious Guilt, Self-Harm, Smut, Unacceptance, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, josh develops ocd
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-19
Updated: 2015-08-05
Packaged: 2018-04-10 02:32:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4373819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelblur/pseuds/angelblur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>they're both completely quiet for a moment, before tyler whispers, "did you like it when i kissed you?"<br/>closing his eyes tight and wrapping his arms around himself, josh staggers back and presses against the wooden fence behind them. "that doesn't matter, tyler," he quivers, ignoring the footsteps nearing him. "you can't."</p><p>(or, the one where josh knocked once for the father, twice for the son, but accidentally rang out a third and wound up with tyler's unholy ghost.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> so this is where ross's been holed up for a week. still writing the basketball fic. still writing the stoner fic. DEFINITELY still writing the chubby fics. just got a lotta ideas stuck in my head. read the tags and stay safe, kids. world's a dangerous place. stay woke and stay street. xo.  
> (title from _west coast smoker_ by those short kids from chicago.)

when josh walks into saint mary's catholic school, he doesn't expect to run into tyler joseph. he doesn't expect a lot of things, in fact, which is no surprise, seeing how sheltered the kid is; he doesn't expect to kiss someone, he doesn't expect to run away, and he certainly doesn't expect to fall in love—

especially with a boy. 

maybe we should go back to the beginning. that's where stuff always goes wrong, anyhow. josh's dad is a priest and his mom is a nurse, so they've both got that _must help others while totally ignoring our son in the process if he isn't absolutely perfect!!!!!!_ complex going for them. so, in short, the second he tugged on his dad's jacket at age nine and said, "papa, the boy on the television is real cute," he was suddenly paid a lot more attention. 

first, he was banned from tv, which killed him because _the young and the restless_ had lots of loud music that made him feel weird things. then, he was yanked out of public school and thrown rather carelessly into a catholic private academy, grades kindergarten to twelfth. at first, he was apprehensive about the shirts and pants and weird ties they had to wear, but soon realized his dad sort of, kind of, maybe looked proud whenever josh wore them, so. he did. 

he passed through up to sixth grade with no more incidents. his parents figured that five years without outside influence would diselude any sense of gayness he possessed, and, for a while, josh did, too; he didn't want to be gay, not at all, because gay people went to hell and gay people were sinners and gay people were bad, bad, bad. 

but then, while clutching his mom's sleeve as they walked down the grocery store aisle, josh's eyes couldn't leave another boy; a teenage boy, a boy with black hair and smiling eyes and oh, god, such a gorgeous face. he felt his jaw drop as they met eyes, and when the boy jokingly waved, he almost passed out. he knew he should've kept quiet and to himself, he _knew_ , but he was so excited he couldn't help but kick the back of the driver's seat and say softly, "mom, that bagger boy? he was pretty."

if he'd have known of the bruises that would form on his arm later, maybe he would've shut up. 

he finished middle school with cuts he explained away and bruises makeup hid and tears he had only shed wrapped up in blankets at three in the morning. around this time he started becoming interested in the girls' uniforms; the slightly lower cut shirts, the plaid skirts, the knee-high socks. he kept these thoughts to himself, since any idea out of the cishet agenda had been beaten out of him; but, a kid could dream, and josh dreamt of himself in those outfits. a lot. a _lot_. 

then, high school. it was still the same academy, so he knew the rules and the classes and the system; but the kids changed. a lot. now people were shoving josh into lockers and calling him "faggot" and, if he stepped one single centimeter out of line or tried to stand up for himself, ratting to the principal and resulting in josh getting sent home with ruler-rapped knuckles. his parents, not to his surprise, helped none, so he stuck to isolating himself in his room and beating drumlines into his desk. the last show he ever watched had been of a band, and the drummer caught josh's eyes instantly. not only was he cute, but he could play; josh wanted to be just like him. 

instead, he was the ninth grade pale kid who never talked and got good grades and stared at the floor and talked in confession and was going to heaven, okay? he was, he was.

but now, he's somehow made it to tenth with an aching body and guilty conscious and a habit to sprint away from trouble the second he sees it. 

but, for some reason, he doesn't run from tyler joseph, the biggest load of trouble josh's ever seen. 

he doesn't run, and that's how it all starts.

¥•¥•¥•¥•¥•¥

"this is our new student, tyler!"

at first, josh doesn't look up; he never pays much attention in homeroom, since they just run through announcements and speeches and boring club meeting josh will never, ever attend. but, when whispers start spreading across the room, he peeks up from underneath a messy flop of brunette hair. 

the first thing he notices is that the boy isn't wearing the uniform. second, the boy is hot. not cute, or attractive, or pretty; the only word that comes to josh's head is _hot_. that's never happened before. 

"why don't you tell the class a little about yourself, tyler?" mr. mistiai smiles, albeit cowering a bit behind his desk as the tall boy looks around. 

he runs a hand over his cheek, scratching at the scruff (!!!!!!!) dotting his chin as his tongue rolls over his bottom lip, so quickly josh almost doesn't see it move. "uh, okay," he smirks, looking to the floor before backup upwards—directly at josh, who feels his face explode in heat. tyler's lips quirk up. "i'm a junior. i'm seventeen, i'm from around here, and. yeah. that's all, really."

"are you sure there's nothing more—" mr. mistiai insists, but tyler's dark hazel eyes intimidate him farther behind his table. "alright! alright, okay. tyler, you'll be sitting by..."

josh finally manages to tear his gaze away, trying to rub the redness out of his cheeks. he briefly looks around the room, attempting to locate an empty seat and, inevitably, where tyler will be ending up. he hopes it's all the way across the classroom, so these embarrassing and sinful thoughts will cease to be. however, upon further inspection, josh finds that there's only one desk open, and that desk happens to be right next to—

"josh," mr. mistiai finishes, and josh's eyes go wide as he looks back up to the front of the room. "josh, wave your hand so tyler knows where you are."

he hesitates briefly, mostly out of intimidation at tyler's hawk-eyed gaze, before shyly raising up a right hand and dangling his fingers in the air. tyler's eyes find his again, and his features blossom into a crooked smirk as he shoulders his bag and tromps up next to him. 

he slumps into his seat, feet pushed forwards as his neck rolls back and arms stretch behind him. josh keeps his gaze cemented on mr. mistiai, who's rustling papers onto his desk to begin announcements. josh feels those sharp eyes digging into the side of his face, but he ignores it best he can as he takes his shaking hands and messily scribbles down what's on the board; every time tyler blinks or his chest rises or his foot taps, it sends vibrations through josh's body he's trying his very hardest to swallow down. 

"hey." josh's heart lurches, and he writes twice as fast as he's sees tyler sit up a bit and rest his chin on his palm out of his peripheral vision. "hey, josh. dude. hey."

knuckles turning white he's gripping his pen so hard, josh takes a small, shuddering breath before peeking up to the side at tyler. he doesn't speak, just stops writing as tyler's eyes practically devour him whole. he meets his gaze and holds it there this time, and josh cinches his bottom lip in between his incisors as a nervous reflex. 

"...do you talk?" tyler whispers after a while, head cocking curiously to the side as he taps his fingertips against his chin. 

josh nods shallowly. tyler grins wider. 

"i like that," he notes, exhaling shortly as he cranes his back over the hard plastic of the chair. the tip of his pen flutters in between his lips as he reads the board, chewing on the cap and making josh turn back to his page, taking in a long shot of air before trying to write again. 

tyler doesn't say anything else, but his eyes never leave josh throughout the period. 

as soon as the bell rings, josh is the first one out. usually, he stays behind so he's not liable to hallway attacks, but this time, he's gotta escape the clutches of tyler's irises locking him in. he's trying to jog his way to chapel when, all of a sudden, a hand clamps onto his shoulder. he squeaks slightly in surprise, but clenches his eyes shut and waits for the force to push him against the lockers. 

"you're cute," the oppressor instead laughs, and josh creaks open his eyelids to see none other than tyler towering over him, eyebrows drawn in curious admiration. josh sighs in half-relief, half-aggravation, but keeps walking quickly down the hall despite tyler trailing by his side. "where's everybody going?"

josh doesn't look up from the floor, but he mumbles, "uh, 's chapel. it's every second period."

tyler suddenly cheers, jerking josh into a straightened position as he gloats in his face. "i got you to talk," he smirks, as if he's won some prize, and josh keeps powering down the building as if he's in a race. 

tumbling into the church, josh jogs up the steps and weaves his way around clumps of students in hopes of losing tyler. he manages to land on a pew in the very back, where groups of kids are clamoring for seats while simultaneously carrying on their conversation. his shoulders relax as everyone quiets, but suddenly someone tan and tall and chuckling is sitting next to him, and, god, his breath is hot and heavy as he leans down and murmurs in josh's ear. 

"can't get away from me that easily, pretty boy," he laughs softly, and josh can't bite back a whimper of slight fear and just a hint of annoyance as everyone bows their heads for prayer. 

he focuses on the words he's heard every day since he was three, but tyler's side is pressed to his way closer than it should, and he's humming softly along to a song that josh is pretty certain isn't holy, and—and, god, as they sit he nonchalantly wraps his arm around josh's waist, playing with the fabric of his jacket in between his fingers, and josh doesn't even try to move it. he doesn't even try, and he's never sinned this bad in his life.

he's not sure if he cares, and that's even _worse_.


	2. two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "stop it," josh whispers, closing his eyes tightly and too far emotionally barraged to care about the bell ringing. "stop flirting with me, stop calling me pet names, stop making me sin. i don't want to sin. i don't want to go to hell."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~drama~

"oh, god, oh my gosh," josh whispers under his breath as he tumbles up the stairs. "frick, frick, frick."

all day, tyler refused to leave josh's side. he'd hold his shoulders or thread their fingers together or touch his thigh, and josh liked it. he liked it, and he's ripping off his uniform and collapsing into the shower as fast as possible. 

the scalding water singes his skin red, and he stands there with his eyes clamped shut and hands shaking at his sides for at least ten minutes before he manages to stoop down and grab the soap. he scrubs his skin until everything stings, until he burns even worse that he did when tyler looked at him, or smirked at him, or touched him—

scrub faster, turn the temperature up, use more soap. get clean, get clean, get clean. wash away tyler. wash him away. 

he shambles out of the bathroom an hour later and collapses onto his mattress, still half-wet; he knows this is bad, too, vanity and all. but he likes to just close his eyes and forget the feel of the harsh cloth against his skin, the burning collar pressed to his throat, the shoes two sizes too tight. he runs his fingertips over all the shades of purple his father's left (making sure to stay strictly above the hips) and lets his mind wander, just for this moment. 

tyler's eyes are like nothing josh's ever seen. he's seen brown eyes, yes, and hazel and chocolate and tinted, but—but tyler's eyes glimmer with something else, like he knows just a bit more than he let on. like mischief, like trouble, like the devil himself encased in dark pupils.

a shiver rips through josh's body. he's going to have to shower again now; these thoughts are so terribly, horribly awful. josh briefly wonders why they're so bad if they feel so good, but he shakes the doubts away. it's called temptation and he knows it. 

as he sits up, his eyes somehow lock onto the dresser, and he sighs jaggedly as he rubs his face. this is so freaking bad, so sinful and disgusting—but, but maybe it was a work of god that he got a girl's uniform instead of a boy's once after cleaning day, yeah? maybe, maybe, maybe. that's what josh thinks as he slips over to the drawers and pulls out the clothes agonizingly slowly. 

making sure his door is locked, he rapidly shoves on the tight overshirt, the skirt, the socks, even the mary jane's. he forces his eyes open as he stands in front of the mirror, and his face splits in a beam as he focuses on his frame. he looks so good, he does, he knows he does; swiveling around a bit, his lips part as he sees the skirt riding up above the panties that came with it, and he flushes bright red as he turns back around and smooths it out. 

_maybe tyler'd like this_ , he thinks. 

_you're going to hell_ , he responds to himself, and he sinks to the carpet, staring at his godforsaken reflection and trying not to cry. 

suddenly, there's a loud knock at his door. "joshua?" his dad calls, and josh bites back a scream of fear as he tugs off the shoes and skirt. "joshua, come here."

"one second, dad!" he shouts back, panicking as he shakily tries to undo the buttons. he doesn't want to rip the pretty fabric, so he almost sobs as he slowly pulls off the top. "i just got out of the shower!"

"joshua, now." the doorknob rattles, and josh nearly screams as he rummages through his closet and pulls out his church t-shirt. shrugging it on, he barely manages to throw the panties under his bed and shove on a pair of boxer shorts before his dad hammers on the wood; he sprints to unlock it, swinging it open just as he appears about to knock it down. he steps back, eyeing josh's panting demeanor only clad in a shirt and underwear, before seeing his dripping hair and nodding once. 

"are you doing your homework?"

"yes, sir."

"what's it on?"

"the gathering of the disciples."

"what book?"

"matthew."

he stays silent for a moment before making a humming noise, nodding again before shutting josh's door. he stands still until he hears his dad thundering down the stairs before collapsing backwards, flopping on his bed and sighing. that was way too close. he needs to burn those clothes, or sell them, or destroy them. they carry too much sin. 

josh tries to do his homework, but for every answer, he keeps writing "tyler" or "hell."

¥•¥•¥•¥•¥

"joshie! baby, c'mere!"

josh's shoulders stiffen as he tries to slither in the door and past tyler, but skeletal fingers on his arm stop him as tyler swivels him around. he's beaming, eyes smirking and observing, and josh swallows his nervousness behind a hard gaze. "hi, tyler."

"hi!" tyler grins again, and josh hates how his lips return it as his fingers tighten on his messenger bag strap. "hope you're not busy after school, 'cause i'm taking you on a date."

focusing on the floor, josh shoves past tyler and marches in, ignoring the clattering of his feet as he follows. he notices tyler's wearing the uniform today, and his knees wobble as he stares out of the corner of his eye; he looks good. _really good_. the pants droop to his dress shoes, jacket perfectly fitting and tight and, oh, no, josh can see his chest move everytime he takes a breath. "i have homework," he eventually murmurs, stopping at his locker and pointedly ignore tyler's gaze as he unlocks it. "and, uh. i'm not...gay. so."

josh's body jolts as tyler lets out a piercingly loud laugh, shoulders shaking as he leans against the wall and places a palm on josh's cheek, startling him from grabbing his books. "if you're not gay, then i'm white," he giggles, and josh flushes crimson as he glares back into his locker. 

"i'm not," he grumbles, slamming the metal door shut and setting back off down the hallway. "being gay is a sin."

tyler makes an indignant gasp, grasping josh's waist and pulling him close, making him yelp. "who put that idea in your head, baby?" he cackles, pressing his mouth close to josh's forehead. "it's not true."

josh doesn't realize he's crying until tyler jerks away and looks at him in concern. "josh?" he asks, eyebrows tugging down as his fingertips linger on josh's jaw. "did i say something?"

"stop it," josh whispers, closing his eyes tightly and too far emotionally barraged to care about the bell ringing. "stop flirting with me, stop calling me pet names, stop making me sin. i don't want to sin. i don't want to go to hell."

tyler's utterly silent before josh feels his palms lightly rubbing his shoulders, and even then he doesn't look at him. "you're not going to hell, kitten," he murmurs, but josh jerks back and shakes his head. 

"just like that!" he hisses, eyes finally shooting open and blinking away hot tears. " _kitten_! it makes me feel all warm and happy, but it's bad! i'm bad! stop making me bad, tyler, and just leave me alone!"

tyler just stands there. he stands, those scary hazel eyes never leaving josh's as he shakes and sniffles and goes to turn away, just to stop looking at tyler. as soon as he takes a step, however, tyler gently takes his arm and tugs him back into a—

a hug. 

heart thudding, josh hangs his limbs limp as tyler's arms wrap around him, and not intimidating this time; caring, comforting, even, as his fingers dance over josh's skin, josh's head resting in the crook of his neck. he smells of cheap cologne and slight sweat and an indescribable scent of smoke and wintertime and lavender, and as josh breathes him in, he realizes he hasn't been properly hugged since he was nine. 

his hands quiver as they enfold around tyler's waist, resting over the small of his back, and he leans into tyler's touch as he lets his tears finally fall. "it's alright, sweetheart," tyler murmurs, still rubbing his spine gently and listening to him sob. "it's okay. i've got you."

josh feels the wet spot he's creating on tyler's sleeve, but he never wants to leave the feeling of safety and emotion and a sense of gentleness he's never felt. how can this be a sin if he finally feels wanted? accepted? and it's frightening and hollowing and new, but he wants it. he wants this. he wants tyler.

he clutches tighter as his chest heaves, tyler's hand calm and flush over his spine as he rests his face in his hair. he struggles to relax, to stop crying, to stop sputtering on tyler and being a big freaking baby, really. he pulls back slightly, almost sobbing again as tyler runs a thumb over his cheek. 

"this is only the second day we've met, and i'm crying all over you," he laughs softly, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. "you don't even know anything about me, and i'm dumping all this baggage on you."

"i want to, though," tyler quickly says, eyes wide as his other hand caresses josh's side. "i don't care about baggage, josh. i want to know everything: your full name, your favorite color, your favorite band, your hopes, your fears. _everything_ , baby."

josh's face floods with red once more, and his eyes fall back to the floor. "i'm going to hell, aren't i?" he whimpers, tears pooling down his cheeks. "i am. i shouldn't be like this."

"you're not." tyler coaxes his thumb over his face, guiding his eyes back upwards. "i don't...i don't know much about religion and heaven and hell and god, not since i left the church when i was a kid, but i know you're not gonna go to hell for liking guys. i know."

sniffling again, josh leans over and rests his forehead against tyler's chest. tyler's palms reside firmly on josh's waist, tracing circles past the cloth and radiating heat against his skin. "...joshua," he whispers, so soft and inaudible tyler barely catches it. "joshua william dun."

"that's a good start," tyler chuckles, lips still ghosting over josh's head. "really good, joshua. _joshua_."

"tell me yours," josh mumbles, squinting his eyes slightly when he sees traces of ink underneath tyler's white shirt. tattoos. oh, that makes josh's heart speed. he's doomed, he's doomed, he's doomed. 

there's a beat of silence before tyler's hands move quickly up, up, up, so he's back at josh's shoulders and josh's heart aches because he thought tyler was gonna kiss him, and that's even worse than hugging. "tyler robert joseph," tyler responds eventually, fingers rolling over josh's collarbone. 

"tyler robert joseph," josh shakily repeats, then leaps back so fast, tyler staggers backwards. "tyler, we are late for class, and i am definitely a horrible person. seeya."

with that, he's stumbling down the hall as fast as his short, chubby legs can take him, bag clenched roughly to his hip. as he sprints, he hears tyler yell, "you'll come around, joshua william dun! i'll wait!"

"you'll be waiting an awful long time, tyler robert joseph," josh mutters under his breath, and, even as he concerns himself with the ruler hits he's no doubt going to be receiving, he still softly smiles as he remembers tyler holding him. he feels guilty, sure, and he'll probably have to shower at least three times when he gets home to wash away the filth, but, for the first time in a long, long while, it's okay, sorta. it really, really is.


	3. three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "we should continue that list," he nonchalantly suggests as the waitress leaves, getting josh's attention by taking one of his hands and rubbing his knuckles. "the list of things i want to know about josh dun."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for the comments and kudos. very sweet. xo

josh's never been to a themed diner before. he tugs nervously on the hem of his school jacket as tyler opens the door for him, murmuring a soft "thank you," as he looks around. posters of famous people with names like marilyn monroe and frank sinatra and james brown decorate the walls, and josh can't tear his eyes away from them, even as tyler gently leads him to a booth in the back. 

"we're just friends," he'd aggressively reminded tyler as they walked here after school. he was mostly reminding himself, but cut him some slack. "just friends hanging out."

tyler'd shrugged easily, that same coy smile tugging up on his lips. "of course, sugar," he grinned, reaching a lanky arm over to brush some of josh's unfurling curls out of his eyes. "just the _best_ of friends, hm?"

now, josh presses his feet together under the table and stares at his hands while tyler flips open a menu. he's stock-still and nervous, as if his father could walk in any second or a bolt of lightning would strike him right here, in a seat in a diner smack in the middle of ohio. in his mind racing a mile a minute, it's not so unbelieveable. 

"kitten." josh's head shoots up, so he's face-to-face with a smirking tyler. "you gonna order?"

stuttering, josh twists his hair in between his fingers as his eyes scout over the menu in front of him. "um," he breathes, tugging his wallet out of his pocket and quickly scanning over his money, "i'll just get a milkshake."

but tyler's pushing his hands down, hiding the wallet from view. "do you not know the concept of a date, josh?" he questions, biting his bottom lip and grinning as josh, yet again, flushes red. "i'm paying. not you. end of story."

"but—" josh goes to argue, but a waitress is already sauntering up with a notepad, and he shyly sputters what he wants while tyler hooks their ankles under the table, eyes scanning over his face as if he's looking for something. 

"we should continue that list," he nonchalantly suggests as the waitress leaves, getting josh's attention by taking one of his hands and rubbing his knuckles. "the list of things i want to know about josh dun."

stiffening as tyler messes with his fingers, josh takes a few short breaths, resisting the urge to get up and run and cry, or something to that effect. "red," he eventually sighs, resting his chin on crossed arms as he tugs his hand away. "my favorite color. red."

"i'll make a note of that," tyler muses, resting his now free hands under his thighs on the smooth bench. suddenly, his head cocks, eyes falling down to josh's shoulders. "you must be hot in that. don't be shy, you can take it off in here."

eyes blowing wide, josh shakes his head and hides his face in his arms. "i'm okay," he mumbles, smothered, but those gentle, calloused fingers are on his arm again. 

"you sure?" he asks lightly, and it's like his very words make the room ten degrees hotter. josh grumbles, straightening up before tugging off his navy blue jacket and draping it on the booth behind him. rolling up his white sleeves to reveal pale, slightly freckled arms, he shoves them back under his chin and tries to glower at tyler. 

"happy?" he growls, but it fades into an unwilling, shy smile as tyler drags his fingers over josh's now exposed forearm. 

"yes," tyler answers, crookedly beaming, and josh's heart twists painfully in his chest as he allows tyler to brush against his skin again. he almost wants to lean into tyler's palm as it reaches up to rustle his hair, but before that embarrassing incident can occur, the waitress waltzes over again and places down a tray. 

josh's eyebrow furrows as he sees only one drink on the table. "did they forget yours?" he wonders aloud; as he looks over the large strawberry milkshake and the two straws and tyler's wolfish grin, he turns crimson and croaks, "oh, no. you didn't."

"i did." sniggering, tyler shoves the straws in the drink and nudges it forwards, plucking the cherry from the top of the dollop of whip cream and balancing it in between his pouty lips. "go ahead, sweetheart. first sip, all yours."

groaning, josh rubs his face with rough fingers and shakes his head. "i can't believe you," he grumbles, peering out from behind his palms. tyler only giggles, swirling his tongue over the cherry and never breaking eye contact. josh absently crosses his legs under the table (wow, wow, _wow_ , that's a new feeling) and stares at the straw, then slowly leans over and takes it in between his teeth, tyler's eyes eating him alive. 

"stop staring at me," he eventually mumbles, pulling back and pushing the drink back to tyler. his gaze never falters as josh blushes, looks away, looks back, then looks at the floor. tyler's still kicking his feet slightly, tip of his tongue poking out as josh finally peeks back up. 

"you're so fucking cute, i can't help it," he simpers, grinning even bigger as josh's eyes go wide and he full-on smacks tyler's arm, making him laugh and almost knock over the shake. 

"don't curse!" josh hisses, yanking his limbs upwards so he's curled up in a ball on the booth seat. tyler just keeps laughing, eyes squinting as he manages to lean closer, palms flat on the table. josh just shrinks back, pupils still blown in shock. 

"why not?" tyler hums, eyes shining with sarcastic joy as he looks over josh's burning face, straightened hair slowly becoming curly again, arms crossed over his knees, fingers shakily picking at his shoelaces. 

swallowing shortly, josh narrows his eyes in his best attempt to appear pissed. "because it's bad," he whispers in response, focusing his glare on tyler's sparkling plugs so he doesn't have to look him in the face. 

tyler's fingers suddenly find josh's hair again, practically petting him gently and sending a shudder coursing through his body. "seems a lotta things i do are bad," he murmurs, caressing josh's cheek with an innocent sort of intimidation. "doesn't mean i'm gonna stop doing 'em, kitten."

a small, unprecedented whimper leaves josh's lips, making his eyes go wide as he stands up quickly, tyler's hands now trailing down his chest. "i should g-go," he mumbles, but his feet seem frozen to the floor as tyler tugs on his sleeve gently. 

"i'll walk you home, then," tyler nods, standing with him and nudging away the still full glass. josh busies himself with tugging on his jacket, buttoning the front and slamming a ten-dollar bill on the table despite tyler's earlier protests. he walks quickly out, sighing as the afternoon sun hits him and he's forced to take off his jacket yet again, but quickly stiffens as tyler walks next to him. 

"you don't have to," he mutters, clenching the overcoat tightly to his chest as he walks down the scalding sidewalk. tyler stays silent, almost appearing indifferent before he turns quickly and grabs josh's shoulders, whirling him around. they're under some shade, so josh doesn't have the sun as an excuse to look away from tyler's tall frame; he shakes in his hold, clenching the jacket even closer to him. 

"don't push me away," tyler exhales, those freaking hands messing with josh's curls once more. "don't spazz out every time i do something you don't agree with, don't treat me like some dirty heathen, just—just stop it, josh! i'm not gonna hurt you."

" _everyone does_!" josh finally shrieks, shoving tyler away so hard he almost falls. "everyone hurts me! everyone uses me and treats me nice, then just, just goes and fricks me over! don't act like you won't hurt me the moment you get the chance, tyler, because—"

josh's interrupted by lips pressed to his. 

a boy's lips. tyler's lips. no, no, no.

he remains placid as tyler kisses him, then immediately steps away. "don't do this," he whimpers, shoving his jacket under his chin as if that'll make him disappear. "i don't wanna be bad, tyler. i don't want to be gay."

"josh, please." for the first time, tyler looks utterly helpless, lost; he reaches out a hand for josh, who skitters back another step. "i'm not making you this way. it's how you were born, sugar."

they're both completely quiet for a moment, before tyler whispers, "did you like it when i kissed you?" 

closing his eyes tight and wrapping his arms around himself, josh staggers back and presses against the wooden fence behind them. "that doesn't matter, tyler," he quivers, ignoring the footsteps nearing him. "you can't."

"did you like it?" tyler repeats, hands somehow pressing to josh's face and subliminally opening his watery eyes. "tell me, josh."

bottom lip poking out, josh takes a wet, shuddering breath as he tries to blink away the building moisture behind his eyelids. "jack ü," he mumbles, flushing harder as tyler looks confused. "my favorite band. i heard them on the radio once, and my dad turned it off, but it was really bouncy and loud."

"josh." tyler pulls him closer so their foreheads touch, thumb flicking against josh's mouth. josh shakes, peeking open before he very, very slightly pokes forwards and ghosts his lips over tyler's. 

"ever since i was little, i wanted to be a drummer," he murmurs, mouth falling onto tyler's jaw as the taller stands completely still, fingers relaxant on josh's face. "i'm afraid of hell. and spiders. big, large ones that crawl in your face at night."

he rests his mouth on tyler's neck, crying gently as tyler pulls him softly back upwards and kisses him once more. josh finally lets himself kiss back, the foreign feeling of stubble and chapped lips and, and oh, oh, that's tyler's tongue darting over his mouth. he hesitates, then slowly allows his lips to part, gasping slightly as tyler presses him securely against the fence; his hands shake and grasps the back of tyler's neck, messily moving his lips as best he can following tyler's lead. 

when tyler pulls away for air, josh's fingers find his waist and pull him closer. "kiss me again," he pants, lips wet and swollen as his eyelashes flutter needily. 

tyler complies, stooping down and latching their mouths together once more. their chest press together, hard, and josh moans softly as tyler's hips touch his. he yanks away once more, as if to speak, but josh shakes his head. 

"again."

kiss. 

"again."

kiss. 

"ag—"

josh doesn't have to ask this time as tyler nips at his bottom lip, dipping into his mouth and running his fingers heavily through josh's curls. he tugs, and josh whines, and they kiss hard. 

he doesn't run away.


	4. four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ignoring him this time, josh rolls over to face the white landscape of the opposite side of the tub; he sees a tiny spider crawling over the rim, but he doesn't lurch back. he's only scared of the huge, dark ones, the ones that live under his bed and in his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for verbal and physical abuse. stay safe. this one's a lil shorter, but the next one's a lil longer. thank you so much for the comments and kudos. makes me so happy. xo.

this isn't the first time josh's locked himself in the bathroom, curled up in the tub, and sobbed as his dad screamed ugly things at him past the door while he watched the white tile turn red with the blood his dad provoked. 

it still hurts, though. every time, it hurts a little worse. 

"you come home everyday at three thirty _sharp_!" he seethes, hammering on the wood of the door. "you do it everyday, faggot, so don't lie to me and say you forgot!"

josh shakes roughly, head brushing against the tile of the bath as he bites back bitter sobs. "i'm s-sorry, sir," he gasps, curling up tighter. "sorry, sorry, sorry."

"i don't want to hear it!" he yells, slamming against the door again. "come out here and face me like a man, you stupid little cunt!"

ignoring him this time, josh rolls over to face the white landscape of the opposite side of the tub; he sees a tiny spider crawling over the rim, but he doesn't lurch back. he's only scared of the huge, dark ones, the ones that live under his bed and in his head. 

as his dad continues to rant and slam, josh closes his eyes and thinks of tyler, as he often seems to be doing. that guilty feeling is ebbing away the more he thinks, and he touches his mouth gently as he smiles and remembers tyler kissing him. he hadn't wanted tyler to stop, and tyler didn't much care for a break either, but the sun was setting and josh had to get home. they walked down the sidewalk, hand in hand, as tyler hummed and kissed his knuckles; josh made him leave a block from his house, however, so his dad wouldn't see the tall boy with piercings and tattoos. he'd kissed josh again, soft and sweet and making josh's heart flutter, before he'd taken josh's palm and scribbled numbers onto it. 

"text me," he'd mumbled against josh's lips, and josh nodded profusely as tyler slipped away into the night. he'd almost wanted to sprint after him, to dissolve into his chest and kiss his jaw and never go back to the haunted, hollow place he calls home. but, instead, he stood and watched, then swiveled around and played with the buttons on his shirt as he walked down the road and smiled for the first time in a long, long while.

that faded as soon as he opened the door and was met with a fist in his face. he's just glad his mom works the night shift, or else she'd be getting this, too. 

cracking open his eyelids, josh watches as the small arachnid scrabbles around the wall. it's white, almost translucent, and josh is utterly still as it scrambles up, up, up into a crack in the plaster. "don't leave," he whispers, resting his hand right where it crawled away. "don't be like the others. come back."

stillness. josh sighs, hand falling back to clasp his knees as his thoughts refocus on his father's now slightly distant yelling. even facing the wall, he can still follow the sound patterns and know exactly what he's doing; swiping another bottle from the fridge, collapsing on the couch, and reading the bible until his eyes bleed. swallowing another bout of air, josh twists his limbs about a bit until he's yanking his flip phone out of his pocket; it's old and worn and lousy, but josh saved every penny he made until he could buy it. flipping it open, he hurriedly copies the smeared ink on his skin into his contacts. 

he barely shuts it and sits up, wiping his bleary eyes and murmuring a soft, "aw, man," as blood gathers on his palms before he giggles and combs his now fully unfurled hair back into a makeshift bun; he accidentally thought about tyler's hand in his again. stretching out his sore limbs, he creeps out of the tub and turns to the mirror; swallowing a disgusted gasp at his bloody reflection, he fishes a washcloth out from the sink cabinet and wets it under the tap. he dabs away at his bloody nose, screwing his face up at the already forming bruise on his cheek. he'll have to cover that up later. 

flicking off the light, josh's eyes rest on the angel-shaped nightlight before slipping out the door and tiptoeing against the wall. as he sneaks past the living room, he watches his father hunched down on the couch before progressing up the stairs, skittering into his room and securely locking the door before sighing and flopping onto his squeaky mattress. the last time he tried to hang up posters, his dad had ripped them off, so the only decoration he's got on the bright white paint are glow-in-the-dark stars scattering the ceiling and tiny post-it notes he'd played off as school reminders. they're actually small snippets of lyrics he's heard on the little radio he's managed to catch: lyrics like _i will show you how to love again_ and _strike a violent pose_ and, his personal favorite, _don't leave me hanging on the telephone_. that one got stuck in his head for a month, and every time he was caught singing it he was hit, but it was worth it. it's fun and catchy and makes josh want to dance, even though he's not really good. 

kicking off his shoes and tugging off his pants, he sheds out of his dress shirt and yawns before he realizes he doesn't have the urge to shower. 

he blinks, once, twice. the need to cleanse himself from his bad thoughts and sinful emotions is just _gone_. the only thing in it's place is the same foreign feeling he had in the diner, with tyler's face close to his and hands on his cheeks. the need to cross his legs suddenly pops up, but he ignores it as he burrows back into his covers and pulls the blankets up to his chin. breathing steadily slowing, he manages to brush off the weirdness in between his thighs as he falls more and more tired; he watches the ceiling stars warp with his vision, and he smiles sleepily as they twinkle, not unlike tyler's eyes. 

just before he falls asleep, the last three thoughts that hit his consciousness are as follows: 

_i'm going to hell._

_do i even care anymore?_

_don't leave me hangin' on the telephone._


	5. five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "don't be so hard on yourself." tyler pops back up, grinning big before smushing their mouths together again. "in fact, i think you're a great kisser. so there."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> getting pretty gay there, josh. just a bit. just a lil. xo.

"cut class with me."

staring down at his binder, josh minutely shakes his head and ignores the soft hand on his shoulder. tyler doesn't cease his persistence, in fact pushing against his arm faster with a small, coy smirk on his face. josh finally peeks up, having to swallow a smile at tyler's pout and swinging feet. "no," he whispers, giggling despite himself at tyler's appalled gasp. he looks back down, only to blush hard when he feels tyler's fingers combing locks of hair behind his ears. 

"please, kitten?" he murmurs, drawing josh's gaze to him again by biting his bottom lip as dragging the back of his fingers across josh's face. sighing, josh just rolls his eyes and raises a hesitant hand, almost drawing an excited whoop from tyler. 

miss flack, the geography sub, turns around to see josh timidly waiting. "may i be excused to use the lavatory?" he asks softly, the mere meekness of his stature relaxing the teacher. 

"hurry back, sweetie," she smiles, receiving a grateful one in return as josh stands and shuffles out of the room. as soon as he closes the door, he groans at himself and walks down the hall with a dumb, annoyed grin. tyler's so frickin' convincing, as always. josh's only known him for two weeks or so, and he's already learned this well. 

suddenly, a pair of lanky arms wrap around his waist, and he yelps as tyler kisses the back of his neck shallowly. "follow me," he laughs, taking josh's hand and dragging him down the lockered hallways. josh can only comply, almost tripping over his feet as he tumbles after tyler's retreating frame. they dart by corners and doors until tyler stops them at the end of a hallway, eagerly twisting a knob and beckoning to josh to walk in. 

"...a janitor's closet?" josh whispers incredulously, only to be answered by a shove inside. he grumbles nonsense, brushing off the front of his blazer and squinting as he's enveloped in darkness. he nervously gropes around for tyler, feeling a wave of relief wash over him as he finds his slender fingers in front of him and grasps them quickly. "turn on the light, tyler."

"i don't wanna." josh narrows his eyes at tyler's snappy response; he opens his mouth to demand, no, go flick on the switch right now, buddy, but he's suddenly smothered against the wall with lips pressing against his face, dotting his skin before stooping to his mouth. he sighs in defeat, shakily lifting a hand to pull tyler closer by the back of his neck and still poorly moving his lips in an amateur's attempt to kiss. the element of surprise, huh, tyler? nice touch, josh has to admit. 

their chests push together slightly as tyler deepens the gesture, slightly parting josh's lips to lace their tongues. josh whimpers as tyler's hands press under his jacket, thumbs swirling against the pale skin of his hips and pushing josh tighter against the wall. out of reflex, his arms drape over tyler's shoulders and his hips cock just a bit, him panting as tyler pulls back and presses soft, wet kisses to josh's jaw. "s-sorry i'm no good at that," josh mumbles, hands now caressing tyler's shoulders as he tilts his chin upwards. "the whole k-kissing thing, i mean."

"don't be so hard on yourself." tyler pops back up, grinning big before smushing their mouths together again. "in fact, i think you're a great kisser. so there."

josh just hums, smiling again as tyler drops to his neck and pecks his adam's apple. he swirls his tongue slightly over josh's collarbone before sucking on the skin, and josh almost relaxes before he realizes what tyler's doing, and he shoves him back a ways. "don't leave marks," he hisses, absently flicking a tongue over his chapped bottom lip. "we'll get in trouble."

"but that sounds fun," tyler breathes, running his thumb over josh's mouth and pressing against where his tongue was prior. they look at each other for a bit longer in peaceful silence before josh stands on tip-toes and kisses him; from there, they delve into each other once more, smushed against the wall while they kiss and touch gently and josh making the tiniest, most sinful noises he's ever uttered. tyler seems to be eating them up, so he doesn't beat himself up about it too bad. 

eventually, their outerwear comes off, but josh can't find the time to be embarrassed while tyler's fingers are dragging against his ribcage and slightly pudgy hips and he's tugging tyler so close, his body heat is coursing through josh's skin and making him sweat. either that's getting him hot, or the way tyler's hands cascade down to his thighs and hover questioningly; surprising even himself, josh gently nods against tyler's lips and downright moans as his hand rests on the swell of his ass and squeezes. josh's shocked at how nice that feels, and shows that in the way he leans against tyler's palm and mumbles, "f-frick, oh, tyler, _ah_ —"

a bell chimes outside, and josh staggers back as he makes eyes at the door. "we gotta go, ty," he sighs, tugging on his lapel. tyler doesn't move, just laughs softly as he presses josh rougher into the wall. 

"we don't gotta do anything," he protests, coaxing his palms over josh's waist. he squirms away, however, and tyler reluctantly drops him as he scrabbles for his jacket. 

"i don't wanna be late," he mutters, buttoning his shirt rapidly and only stopping short when he sees tyler watching him. he blushes, giving tyler the snarkiest look he can, which only results in tyler grinning wide. "what are you lookin' at?"

tyler just laughs again, shucking on his own jacket while josh waits against the wall. "the prettiest little thing i've ever seen," he smiles, and josh's groan makes him laugh loudly. 

" _tyler_ ," he rolls his eyes, although he sniggers as tyler waltzes over and nuzzles his face. "c'mon, let's go."

sighing, tyler lingers his lips on josh's cheek before fluttering away, peeking out the closet door before waggling his fingers, blowing a kiss, and running off. smiling dreamily, josh waits a moment before following; just as he steps to the doorframe, however, he presses his fingers to the cheek tyler kissed. 

when he pulls back his fingers, a mess of powdered makeup comes off on his fingertips. 

"frick," he mutters, looking through the door to the throngs of students milling around. tyler's nowhere to be seen. "frick!"

if tyler sees the makeup on his lips, he's bound to make the connection to josh's face. meaning he'll ask later. meaning he'll see the bruise. 

_frick._

poking his head out once more, josh just sighs before creeping out; he joins the crowds quickly, weaving through students struggling to go to their next class. dodging into the bathroom, he tugs the tiny container of powder and brushes a bit on before stumbling out, tripping into his sixth period class just as the bell chimes. 

he sighs and flumps into a desk. this is what he gets for being anxious and having an overprotective, well—

whatever tyler is. 

that's what he gets. 

¥•¥•¥•¥•¥

the second josh takes a step into the steadily cooling air swirling about outside the building, he can't move an inch more before tyler's running up to him, lightly grasping his arm and spinning him around. 

"lemme see your face." instead of angry or pushy, like josh'd assumed he'd be, tyler's all gentle hands ushering him to the patch of sidewalk behind the corner of school. as soon as josh shyly perches, criss-cross, on the bench in front of the school, tyler's shuffling through items in his ratty bag, gesturing for josh to tilt his face up to examine his injury. 

josh doesn't protest, just slumps against the backboard of the bench as tyler wipes away the smudges of concealer and hisses through his teeth when he sees the bruise. "sweetheart," he sighs, and josh shrugs weakly. 

"i know," he mutters, eyes darting away to walk the tiny blades of grass rustle about the cracks in the ground. "it's not _that_ bad."

making a disagreeable noise in the back of his throat, tyler just runs his hands over the purple before kissing it softly and playing with josh's hair. "do you need ice?" he starts, but josh just shakes his head and shuffles back a bit. 

"i'm fine," he insists, tilting his chin up and rubbing his hand over the bruise; he doesn't even realize how cute he looks, even with the mark. his brunette, straightened hair slowly comes undone, curling around his apprehensive and stubborn features as the wind whips it haphazardly around. tyler can't do a thing but kiss him softly, making josh squeak as he crinkles his nose. 

"we're at school, tyler," he reminds, voice involuntarily high-pitched as tyler suddenly stoops on his lanky forearms and presses close to him; he's pushed against the metal armrest, hands grabbing at the bench nervously as tyler gets close, lips hovering over josh's and eyes dark and misty with something josh can't quite distinguish. he's so intimidated and caught by tyler's pupils, he's not sure he wants to.

"i know," tyler murmurs, smirking wide as josh audibly swallows. knees pressing together, josh doesn't move an inch as tyler scoots closer, but tyler's hands are suddenly pressing against them and pushing them apart just slightly. josh gasps, jaw stuttering as he tries to comprehend tyler's palms coaxing his thighs and the wind blowing softly against their faces and how his chest is heaving and how that weird feeling is back, but he isn't so hesitant this time. "see, i don't really care, kitten."

letting out a soft " _oh_ ," josh's mind races to catch up with tyler's rapid stature change. he flips from kind and calm to mysterious and commanding all in one second, and josh isn't familiar with the way his hips shake and he wants to—god, he wants to ask for tyler to kiss him, to touch his sides again, to maybe do something more, something so scary and frightening josh's throat closes up. instead of that, he closes his eyes and whimpers "oh, _please_ ," as tyler leans over and encaptures his mouth, tongue sliding over his lips as his fingertips grip his skin roughly. 

"beautiful," tyler murmurs, and josh is so, so gone.


	6. six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "p-please, just—" josh doesn't know what he's asking for, what he even wants, but he hopes his legs touching tyler's hips and twitching uncharacteristically will give tyler some sort of idea. "i, j-just, tyler, _tyler_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nfsw ! ! smut !!! porn!!!!!!! r-rated ! xxx !!!!!! xo.

he doesn't know when tyler tugs him up by his hands and guides them both down the sidewalk, but, eventually, that's what's happening; josh blearily focuses on the thumb that's circling his palm, and he turns his head up to tyler to state, "this isn't the way to my house."

tyler blinks at him, and that's when the nervous, gut-wrenching feeling returns to josh's core. "we're not going to your house," he explains, tightening his grip as he looks back down at josh. "you can tell me that you're fine all you want, you're not going back there."

as what he says processes in josh's mind, his shoulders stiffen as tyler tugs him on. "i can't do that," he hisses, looking panicked. "i'll get in so much trouble, tyler."

reaching a nonchalant hand to brush against the bruise, tyler's jaw sets again as he murmurs, "he's not gonna hurt you again, josh."

"how do you even know who _he_ is?" josh questions in an accusatory tone, speeding a bit faster. "i told you i'm okay, honest. i don't need you to—"

"we're here." tyler suddenly brings them both to a stop, and josh's eyebrows raise as he looks over the house tyler's tugging him into. "my parents are out, but i think my brother's home. he won't bother us."

shouldering his bag tighter, josh lets his eyes roam over the portraits decorating the walls (unbroken) as tyler takes him up the carpeted steps (unstained) and through the hallways (clean). this is strange territory for josh—even stranger when tyler's somehow managed to tug him into his bedroom. 

the first thing josh notices is the bed, which makes his knees buckle and face burn. it's nestled into a corner, bigger than a twin but not a queen, with cozy-looking, dark blue blankets rustled about the mattress. there are posters scattered over the walls, depicting images of basketball players and bands josh's never heard of; pressed against the other side of the wall is two large speakers, a pair that makes josh's jaw drop. there's a tiny keyboard leaning against them and a ukulele balanced on top, and josh's amazed further. tyler's allowed to listen to music?

"it's not much," tyler grins easily, gently taking josh's bag from it's tightly-clutched position against his chest and resting it alongside his on a desk off to the side. "but, you know, home and all. you can sit on the bed, kitten, you don't have to stand there looking scared."

squeaking, josh shuffles over to the mattress and perches on the end, gaze never leaving tyler as he slips some books out of his bag to put away and shuffles through some papers. toeing his shoes off and slightly pushing them away, josh almost feels the need to hold his breath so he won't disturb anything; looking up again, he sees tyler walking back over with a upturn of his lips that scares josh so freaking bad, he wants to swallow it away in his own. 

"whaddya wanna do?" tyler casually asks, bending down so he's eye level with josh as a hand rests on josh's thigh. "study or something?"

josh almost says _yes_ , just so this new territory can be stalled for another day; however, he just minutely shakes his head and bites back a gasp as tyler's hand sneaks just a bit higher.

"huh. wanna play video games?" tyler's leaned his neck over to lightly kiss the side of josh's face, lip hot and trailing down to his mouth. josh shakes his head again, even letting out with a tiny whisper of "tyler."

a small chuckle leaves tyler's lips, but he absently mumbles, "is this okay?" as he places another soft kiss on josh's mouth.

without hesitation, josh nods, and tyler laughs softly again before resting his hands on josh's shoulders and pushing him just slightly down. josh's eyes go wide as tyler carefully gets on top of him, barely a second passing before he's on his lips again and sufficiently relaxing him. threading his fingers behind tyler's neck, josh pulls him closer as tyler's hands tug off his jacket, messing with the buttons of his shirt as the kiss deepens; josh lets out a small moan as tyler bites his bottom lip, rubbing his hipbones and beginning to unbutton the front of the shirt. 

that's when josh panics. he lightly pushes tyler away, keeping him close but no longer touching him. "w-wait," he whimpers, panting as he tries to catch his breath, "i've never...you know."

"kitten," tyler mumbles, palms still caressing josh's waist as he pecks josh's already swollen lips. "we don't have to do anything if you don't want to."

but josh shakes his head, swallowing nervously as his fingers grip tyler's shoulders. "i m-mean," he stammers, turning his head to the side to stare at the wall instead of tyler; it's easier to be shy and scared when he's confessing something to a picture of lebron james rather than tyler. "i want to, i just...i've, um, _god_. i've n-never even—i've never even touched myself, tyler."

the way tyler's eyes go wide and his jaw drops is almost comical, but josh is too terrified to laugh; of what, exactly, he's not sure. but tyler relieves him of that fear by leaning back over and kissing him, hard. josh chokes out a gasp in surprise as tyler's hand move faster, almost ripping the fabric of josh's shirt off as he continues to unbutton. "gonna make you feel so good, baby," he murmurs into josh's open mouth; josh whines almost deliriously as the cold air hits his chest, but tyler's hands have already migrated up there to touch and press and making josh a shaking, sweaty mess. 

"p-please, just—" josh doesn't know what he's asking for, what he even wants, but he hopes his legs touching tyler's hips and twitching uncharacteristically will give tyler some sort of idea. "i, j-just, tyler, _tyler_." 

tyler only responds with a soft kiss on the underside of his jaw, hands swarming over his torso as he presses more against his hot skin. "i know, baby," he breathes, teeth dipping against his throat as josh grips him tighter. "i know. i'm here, sweetheart, i'm gonna take good care of you."

nodding, josh lets his palms slide to tyler's waist, breath stuttering as tyler's thumbs swipe over his nipples. he moans raggedly at the new sensation, eyelashes slamming shut as his hips rock unwittingly forwards. "d-do that again," he whines gently, squeezing desperately and pressing his thumbs into tyler's hips. "please, a-ah, s' good."

"i can do you one better, kitten," tyler laughs hoarsely, disbelieving at the gorgeous sight underneath him; instead of pressing against his lips, tyler's whole body drops and shifts so he's kissing josh's chest. without warning, his tongue darts out and licks against the blossoming splotches of red. josh writhes, gasping and panting as tyler takes it in his mouth, sucking on his nipple and rolling it over his tongue.

"nng, oh, oh," josh whines, keeping an almost death grip on tyler's skin. quickly swapping to the other side, tyler treats the other same way while rubbing the other against his fingertips. when he pulls back, they're just as red and wet as josh's lips, which are parted and chapped and maybe even a bit bloody; that makes a shudder rip through tyler, and he rests a thumb against them before dropping to his side, kissing a shade of purple fading away around josh's hip.

"hate these," he murmurs against another bruise, and josh falls silent as tyler presses a deeper, gentler kiss onto the mark. "never again, josh."

josh just sighs, part-happily, part-resignedly, tilting his hips up against tyler's lips. his fingers brush against josh's waistband, tugging the fabric back before snapping it down and eliciting a soft whine from josh. "c'mon, ty," he mumbles, arms reaching up to cover his crimson face. "c-could you, just, could y-you...please, i need—"

"baby." tyler's voice is soft and deep and rushes all the air back into josh's lungs somehow. he peeks up, jaw slightly dropping as he sees tyler's gaunt fingers hooked underneath the hemline of his jeans and his dark, hazel eyes melting into his. "i got you, okay? relax."

swallowing, josh nods slightly before sighing, flushing even darker as tyler keeps staring. "will it..." he starts, barely above a whisper, before closing his eyes again and whimpering as tyler pulls at his pants. "is it, um, g-gonna hurt?"

"no, kitten," tyler soothes, rubbing his now completely exposed hips as he shucks his jeans to the floor. his tongue darts briefly over josh's happy trail, making him whine and buck weakly against him. "it's gonna feel so fucking amazing, i promise."

josh can't even find it in himself to tell tyler to stop cussing. 

and then, god, tyler's helping him shimmy out of his boxers and he's so red, he's shaking and burning and peeking from his hands to see tyler just looking at his dick, why the hell?

"so pretty."

oh. oh, okay. josh's cock is flush and hot against his stomach, tyler stooping over it carefully, and josh's hands are shaking hard as he grips the sheets and whines for something, anything, everything. his thigh leans up against tyler's face, shaking slightly until tyler gently grasps it in his palm and rubs josh's skin soothingly. very slowly, very precisely, tyler bends down until he's right above josh's cock; his eyes skitter to josh's briefly, as if providing a warning, before balancing on his forearms and kissing the head. 

"oh, _oh_ , ah!" josh gasps, body twisting to the side as his hips twitch needily upwards. laughing softly and affectionately, tyler pushes josh's hips down and kisses his erection again. and again. and again. at this point, josh's completely covering his face with his hands, legs riding up tyler's face as he finally prods his tongue against josh's slit; he coaxes circles into his skin, rubbing his thighs soothingly as he swirls his tongue over the head. but now josh's mumbling something that sounds like "wait, mm, w-wait," behind his palms, and tyler's sitting up to look at josh's flushed and sweaty form. 

"you alright, kitten?" he asks softly, running his fingers through josh's hair and making him giggle shyly. josh peeks from behind his knuckles, tip of his tongue darting out from between his chapped, wet lips, as he shakily straightens up on the bed with wobbling arms. 

"you looked funny," he whispers, almost inaudibly, and tyler swats his thigh as he sniggers loudly. he props up slightly to kiss tyler, however, so he decides to forgive the accidental insult by parting josh's lips and taking his cock in his palm. 

josh jolts, letting out high-pitched hums into tyler's mouth as he's adjusted into his lap. he wriggles his hips a bit but otherwise sits still, fingers grasping tyler's shoulders dangerously tightly as tyler's thumb presses against his aching slit. incapable of words at this point, josh just mumbles weakly as tyler drops his hand to his base, then quickly tugs upwards again; moaning gently, josh drops his face into tyler's shoulder and mouths his skin lightly. tyler builds a rhythm, soft and gentle yet unforgiving in the way he grinds his palm and lingers his fingers against the hot skin. 

"t-ty, tyler, mm," josh eventually pants, leaning into tyler's mouth as he kisses the side of his head gently. "i'm, _ah_ , something's happening. what's h-happening, i'm scared, i'm, oh, oh, _oh_ —"

tyler just moves his hand faster, sliding the other up and down josh's spine as the boy quivers and grips his skin roughly. "you're okay," he breathes, letting josh rock wildly into his touch. "c'mon, baby, come for me."

" _tyler_ —!" and that's it before josh's whimpering and wailing into tyler's neck, come falling onto his and tyler's chest as his fingers drag down tyler's arms. he shudders slightly as he struggles to come down, eyes opening a bit as tyler's hands reach over to grab something from the bedside table. 

tissues. huh. he scoots josh back so he's sitting directly in front of him: eyes hooded, jaw hanging open, face bright red, come on his chest, _fuck_ , there's some on his face. tyler wipes himself off first before crawling over to josh, dabbing at his torso before, as an afterthought, leaning forwards and licking the side of josh's face. 

"oh," josh sighs, a tiny smile tugging the corner of his lips up as tyler wipes the rest of the mess off, tossing the tissues into his wastebasket before pulling off his now dirty school jacket and throwing it to the floor. but josh looks up at him in confusion, falling onto his palms as he almost curiously prods at tyler's obvious hard-on. " _oh_. did...did _i_ do that?"

laughing breathlessly, tyler fingers josh's messy hair back away from his face before nodding. "yeah, sweetheart," he grins, taking another tissue and dotting away some of the beads of sweat on his features. "it's alright, though, you don't have to do anything if you're not ready."

nodding slowly, josh drags the back of his hand over his forehead before leaning up on his legs and chastely pecking tyler. "thank you," he grins in awe, then timidly wiping a drop of come from tyler's chin and laughing. "that was...wow, tyler. holy—holy _heck_."

"holy heck?" tyler snorts, moving some of josh's clothes over to a makeshift pile on the side of the bed. "thanks, josh. i think. do you wanna take a shower or something?"

 _shower_. josh's eyes go wide as what he just did suddenly hits him; he's so, so filthy, so dirty, so bad. he needs to bathe, quickly, quickly, but tyler— _tyler_. josh yelps, dropping off the bed before sprinting to the bathroom and locking the door. he races to the sink, yanking the water on before rapidly shoving his hands under the burning stream; he hisses slightly, but recovers quickly. he rubs the soap into his palms, letting it sting and singe him until the feeling of tyler's skin is gone, the feeling of tyler's hands all over him as his body spasmed—

"josh?" tyler lightly raps on the door, and the mere concern in his voice makes josh hesitate. "you okay, baby?"

sniffing, josh slowly turns off the tap and shambles to the door, tugging it open before sinking into tyler's chest and hiccuping. tyler immediately wraps arms around him, letting him relax after his almost breakdown before pulling him back and kissing his forehead gently. "sorry," josh sniffles, but tyler shakes his head and rubs his shoulders lightly. 

"don't even think about it, sugar," tyler smiles, bending down to press against josh's lips, and, just for a moment, he doesn't.


	7. seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he _told_ tyler not to leave any marks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MAJOR abuse warning. also sad childhood flashbacks!!! im so sorry mark i love you i really do. xo.

josh has never made a phone call in his life. he never needed to; his father doesn't use a cell and he doesn't exactly have many friends he can just call up, so he only carried a phone as a mere precaution. 

when he's locked in his room, bleeding to near death and cowering in the corner away from the shaking door, he tries to teach himself. 

he _told_ tyler not to leave any marks. 

weakly pressing the first button he can reach, josh curls up tighter and winces as he feels the blow on his ribcage start to bleed. he thought he'd been incognito, he thought he'd been good; but, as josh tried to sprint inside and up to his room after his and tyler's eventful afternoon, his dad yanked on his collar to pull him back. 

he exposed the purple, and that's where it all crashed down. 

_ring, ring. ring, ring._

"hello?" oh, tyler. sweet, sweet tyler, with his calm voice and hoarse tone. josh smiles sleepily. god, he's tired. 

"hey, ty," he greets, then bursts into giggles as the doorknob rattles harder. it's almost like white noise in his ears; calming, soft, soothing. 

tyler lets out a short laugh, but josh can tell he knows something's off. "hi, kitten," he greets, voice suddenly sounding so quiet and distant in josh's ear. "what's up?"

"my dad's trying to kill me."

there's a beat of utter silence, josh staring at the wall and humming that same tune tyler'd sung on the day they met as he waits for tyler to answer. then, a crashing noise sounds over the phone, and josh can perfectly picture tyler falling out of his desk chair and onto the floor. "baby, oh, god," his breath suddenly comes, hot and desperate as sounds of running come from his side of the line. "did you call the police? are you alright? fuck, i knew you shouldn't have gone back!"

"'s all good, tyler," josh laughs gently, stretching out tyler's name as he realizes he's lost all feeling in his left hand. "i'm fine. just a bit of blood, bit of hurt—i deserve it, 's fine. he's screaming so loud, though. i just wanna sleep."

" _don't sleep_!" the speakers are crackling with the loudness of tyler's words, but josh can already feel himself drifting off. he blinks away tears and blood, trying to think; shouldn't his mom be home by now? _frick, frick_ —

"fuck," josh whispers, tears streaming down his cheeks, and, to the sound of his father attempting to beat down the door and tyler sobbing at him to stay awake, he passes out. 

¥•¥•¥•¥•¥

_the sun is bright and hot against my face, and i squint as the beams of light hit my skin. they told me in class that ultraviolet rays come off the sun, and they're what give us sunburn and cancer. i asked the teacher, "why don't we just get rid of the sun?" she hit my hand. i don't like her._

_"josh! josh!" stumbling up in front of me is a small, blonde boy by the name of mark. he's got shining blue eyes and a nose sharp as a raven's, and he sits next to me in church and in science. he likes drawing, and he scribbles tiny crosses over his fingers a lot. i like them, but dad says i'll get ink poisoning. "there you are! c'mere!"_

_blinking absently, i let mark take my wrist and tug me across the small playground; as we skip over the bark underneath the monkey bars, i wonder if i could climb high enough to reach god. it'd be nice, because i wanna ask him a few things. i snap back to real life as mark tugs me up the playset, snickering as i almost stumble and fall. that'd make me sad, if it were anybody but mark; i like him a lot, because he's sweet and funny and super gentle with his hands and words. sometimes, i get the bad thoughts about kissing him, but then i press hard against the bruise dad leaves on my neck and i stop._

_mark sufficiently tugs me up to the slide, pushing me over the plastic so i can clamber higher. as i settle on the searing plastic of the slide, mark quickly joins me, smiling wide as our thighs bump. i get the bad butterflies again._

_"look!" he suddenly gapes, pointing forwards; i peek closer into the horizon to see the distant clump of a flock of birds. geese, i think, 'cause they're honking and making a mess. dad says they're rats on wings, but mom says they're brave creatures. mom doesn't really talk anymore, so i always listen to what she's gotta say._

_"that's cool," i breathe, and mark giggles as he pokes my cheek. i look back to him, and my whole body hurts with the desire to lean over and press our mouths together._

_"you're doing the thing again," mark whispers, cackling as he moves his finger to press lightly against my forehead. "getting lost in your brain. everyone's gonna think you're crazy."_

_"you don't think i'm crazy," i shrug, tugging on the bottom of my white polo shirt as i automatically lean closer. "that's all i care about."_

_mark just laughs again; he does that a lot. he has shiny white teeth, the kind that's long and pokes out a bit, and when he laughs, he's beautiful. when dad says mom's beautiful, she always kisses him._

_i smile, then kiss mark._

_for a moment, i'm almost convinced he's kissing back; but then, he shoves me down so i'm tumbling through the slide. i yell, eyes tearing up as my skin rubs against the searing plastic, and i fall flat on my face on the bark. sitting up, i try desperately to find mark, to laugh at his accidental pushing; but instead of seeing mark on the play structure, i see a group of kids glaring at me, surrounding me, trapping me pressed to the slide. i'm suddenly very, very scared._

_"mark?" i croak, only to be answered by mark himself walking up to me. he's glaring. mark's never done that before._

_"you're a faggot?" he spits, face angry and red and spiteful. i cock my head to the side, shrugging weakly at the question; i don't even know what a faggot is._

_he just laughs, but it's not a soft, friendly mark laugh. it hurts my heart. i don't know why. i go to open my mouth, but i'm interrupted by mark's fist quickly in my face. i shout, leering back against the slide as i clutch my sore face; dad does this, too, but at least it's when i'm bad. what've i done wrong? what'd i do?_

_before i can ask, another kid shoves me onto my side and kicks me in the tummy. i groan, clutching it tightly as everyone crowds around me; they're chanting the word again, "faggot! faggot! faggot!" i still don't know what it means, but it doesn't feel good. they keep striking me, over and over, and i think that iron taste in my mouth is blood._

_i crack open my eyes, and, blurrily, i see mark standing off to the side, eyes distant and hand on his lips._

_he looks to me, and i smile at him._

_i still want to kiss him._

¥•¥•¥•¥•¥

"stay with me, josh! baby, fuck, open your eyes!"

blinking, josh shakes his head minutely before coinciding at creaking his eyelids open. he sees a white ceiling, lots of flashing red lights, a pretty woman in a white outfit—

tyler. his hands are shakily combing josh's hair behind his ears, then retreating to his hands, then face, then hands again. smiling, josh struggles to listen past the sirens as tyler wildly talks. "—going to prison, the son of a bitch," he gasps as he sees josh awake, gripping josh's fingers tightly. "you're gonna be okay, sweetheart, you just have to keep your eyes open. please."

"i wanna sleep." josh lets his eyes fall shut as he presses his right hand absently to his neck; but tyler's face is so scared, he lets them open once more. "why...why do i hurt so bad? where's my dad? where's—"

and then josh's eyes shoot all the way open and, even though josh can barely sit up, he starts to struggle with the nurses. " _where's my mom_?" he screams, gripping tyler's hand with a strength he hadn't known he possessed. "tyler, where's my mom?"

the look in tyler's eyes says enough. josh sinks to the metal, eyelids drooping a final time as he hisses, "fuck," and lets the feeling of pain and blood loss wash over him. 

as tyler shouts, "no, sugar, stop! _josh_!" josh gives him a widespread beam before he blacks out. 

¥•¥•¥•¥•¥

_i like the geese. mark liked them, yes, but the geese are loud and happy, and they fly away whenever they want. they don't have a god or a school or a problem with boys. geese are free._

_i can't wait until i can fly away._


	8. eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tyler spends five hours, twenty-three minutes, and six seconds in the waiting room at columbus medical hospital. not that he's counting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WE'RE NEARING THE END OF THE STORY OH NO also hi i went to boyz of zummer yesterday i caught wiz's sweat towel and andy hurley smiled at me also max called me baby and hoodie allen tweeted me ":0" its been a thrilling past few days xo

tyler spends five hours, twenty-three minutes, and six seconds in the waiting room at columbus medical hospital. not that he's counting.

the walls of the building seem to be caving in, melting into the floor as he stares blankly at the swinging doors of the ER. is josh okay? has he already bled to death and they're just not telling him? has he lost so much blood that the god he's so held back by is finally fucking satisfied? 

anyways. 

tyler can't forget the pure anguish in josh's eyes when he asked for his mother. tyler doesn't know much about her or her relationship to josh, but it must've been stronger than the one he has with that shithead of a father. god, if the police hadn't gotten there before tyler, josh's dad wouldn't be going to prison in one piece, you can count on that. 

he's read all the magazines twelve times each, checked his phone ninety-five times, and bit his nails straight to the bone. that's good, he supposes, because if they were any longer, he'd scratch his skin off. the only thing that stirs him from his seat is the empty feeling in his stomach he tells himself is hunger, when he knows full well that it's fear. 

"mr. joseph?" his neck almost snaps he looks up so quickly, and the nurse calling his name from the doorway looks exhausted and worried beyond belief. "uh, mr. joseph?"

"me. here." shakily standing, tyler wipes his sweaty palms on his jeans and lightly smiles, although his eyes remain oblique. he staggers after the nurse's retreating frame, combing his hair nervously as he avoids patients' gazes; he's brought to a waiting room in the very back of the hallway, decorated with a sign that reads _105_. 

he's about to race in, but the nurse stops him with a gentle hand on his shoulder. "mr. dun..." she starts, biting the inside of her cheek and rapidly reading her checkboard. "mr. dun is very badly injured. he's suffered multiple broken bones and reopened scars, and possible brain damage. we're not sure, exactly, because he hasn't woken yet; but when he does, we'll run a few tests and know for sure."

blinking tiredly, tyler just nods, the desire to see josh forcing him to swing open the door. 

what he sees almost makes him scream. 

first off, there's blood _everywhere_. blood seeping through bandages, dried blood dotting his scrubs, a line of blood dripping past a head wrap. warily approaching, tyler swallows bile as he sees the cast on his leg and the tight spring on his right arm; the only thing that brings tyler any peace is josh's face, which is asleep and calm. his eyelashes flutter subconsciously, lips trembling as he sighs and sniffs to himself. even messed up and beaten, he's so incredibly beautiful, tyler can't believe it. 

"hey, sugar," he mumbles tearily, sitting on the chair next to josh and softly petting his hair. josh twitches, but doesn't awake. "baby, fuck, this is my fault. i shouldn't have listened to you."

the steady beeping of the heart monitor fills the gaping space of silence in the room, and tyler strokes josh's lax hand as he waits for him to open his eyes. 

¥•¥•¥•¥•¥

_"hey, look, it's the fag!"_

_oh, no, no, no. c'mon, josh, you're almost out of the school, speed up. finish packing your bag, yes, good, slam the locker shut, okay, now run! runrunrunrunrunrun—_

_"gotcha!"_

_frick._

_i struggle with the hands on my collar but eventually just give up; i go slack in my attackers arms, being used to the abuse by now. for a brief moment, i meet eye contact with the guy holding me up, brendon. honestly, i don't even know why he's at this school; everyone knows he's this stuck-up mormon brat, and yet he walks around this academy like he owns the place._

_"you know the drill, joshie," he chortles, parading me through the hall like a prized pig. i stare down at my stumbling feet and refuse to acknowledge any other students, only letting brendon escort me to my certain doom. sure enough, we arrive at his locker in the back of the school; he wastes no time ripping it open, shoving my short frame inside it before grinning wolfishly and shutting the door in my face._

_i sink to the metal bottom as much as i can fit, balling up so i can sit down and shove my face into my knees. at least he was gentler than last time; yesterday, he'd joked that i was too big to fit into a locker and, besides, i've had enough experience being in the closet anyways. everyone laughed, so i did, too. i didn't think it was all that funny._

_i poke my tummy nonchalantly as i try to get more comfortable. 's not that big, is it? no, no, brendon's just out to get me, is all. but...maybe if i did lose some weight, i could shimmy out of his grasp easier. yeah, i'm pretty out of shape, i guess. my thighs bounce more than usual, but i hadn't really cared until now._

_ruffling out my hair, i peer through the cracks in the locker as i wait for the janitor to walk by. cool dude, i guess, 'cause he always lets me out. wow, mom, look at me now, my only friend's a janitor. great. actually, i can never tell my mom about this stuff, because she'd wanna pull me out of school and that'd make my dad super mad. so, no. i'm never putting her in danger._

_suddenly, i hear someone's soft, hoarse voice drifting through the hall. that's weird, usually everyone's left by now. i wiggle closer to the slats to peek through, but i can't see anybody; all i can hear is someone's cracking, low tone floating in the building._

_"i'm so sorry, josh," the hallowed voice rings, and i promptly feel my heart stop at the mention of my name. "baby, i'm so fucking stupid! i'm—i'm sorry, i just. they don't know when you're gonna wake up, sugar, and i'm kinda freaking out here."_

_a small, scared laugh follows, and, steadily, i can make out a soft, mechanical beeping directly in my ears. ok, i'm about to panic; this disembodied voice is unfamiliar and creepy, and that beeping's getting louder. suddenly, however, a click sounds in my head, and i'm madly scrabbling at the lockers as i somehow recognize the voice. i'm sure i've never spoken to this person before, but i seem to know him well. i need him._

_"tyler!"_

¥•¥•¥•¥•¥

"tyler!"

beep, beep, beep. the walls are tinged white in this place, and josh groggily blinks as he quickly looks around for tyler. his blurry vision eventually settles on him; he's in a chair next to the bed josh's in, hand firmly clasped in his as he slumps in the chair. he's asleep, and josh decided not to bother him; he looks like he needs it.

of course, when josh looks down and sees all the stitches, blood, and casts, he forgets about that little sentiment and begins to scream. 

just as tyler wakes up with a jolt and gasps, "josh," josh promptly faints from shock. 

¥•¥•¥•¥•¥

_hello? hey, hey! i'm still trapped in this locker! hey! help me!_

_please, tyler._

_help me._


End file.
